Relationships

Divorce-Proof Your Fighting Style

Conflict in a marriage is inevitable; divorce is preventable. Why do some couples manage to fight and stay married (or even grow stronger as a result of the clash), while other marriages end? Strong couples recognize there are 5 major traps that marital fights can fall into, and they know how to sidestep those land mines.

 

Trap 1: Judgement

You know how in new relationships, everything is cute? Everything little quirk can be brushed aside and forgiven? At some point, that benefit of the doubt ends, and judgement can creep in. “Why did he DO that stupid thing?!?!” “Doesn’t she KNOW that I hate it when…”

 

This first trap is easy to avoid – all it requires is giving your partner the same benefit of the doubt that you would want. There’s a type of bias called “fundamental attribution error,” where we perceive that others’ actions are because of some personality trait or fault in themselves, but our own actions are situational and reasonable. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt all the time – for a strong marriage, it helps to do the same for your partner.

 

Trap 2: Antagonism

If you fall into the Judgement Trap for too long, you may find yourself smack dab in Trap 2: Antagonism. In this trap, you and your partner have been in conflict for so long that they start to feel like your enemy. Everything they do feels set up to annoy or hurt you.

 

To avoid this trap, take a hard look at your fighting style. Are you fighting to win? If so, turning your partner into the enemy is bound to happen. Healthy conflict occurs when both parties recognize they have the same goal (which you DO! A happy, healthy, working relationship!), but they just don’t always agree on how to get there. Block a significant amount of time with your partner to get on the same page about your end goals, and keep conversations productive by focusing on the HOW of “how are we going to achieve what we BOTH agree that we want to achieve?”

 

Trap 3: Depersonalization

If you’ve been in antagonistic conflict for too long, depersonalization is bound to occur. Depersonalization is actually a critical requirement for war – soldiers are trained to depersonalize the enemy in order to kill them. Conflict research suggests that the same depersonalization happens in interpersonal conflict, and when it occurs it takes antagonism up a notch further.

 

If you and your partner have depersonalized one another, it will be tough to climb out of this trap without professional help. This is an ideal time to seek out a therapist who can help you see your partner as a feeling, thinking human again, and can serve as almost a translator, helping each side understand the other.

 

Trap 4: Contempt

Some studies show that marriages truly go off the rails when the partners reach contempt for one another. Others suggest contempt is a key indicator of divorce. Contempt can often be a power play – an outward display of disgust.

 

As with depersonalization, contempt likely requires a professional’s unbiased help, because the ugly behaviors that can go along with contempt usually have broken the trust between partners. Without that trust repaired, and in the absence of empathy, it will be hard for a couple to go back to a place of security and love.

 

Trap 5: Apathy

If you’ve lived in contempt long enough, you might grow numb. That’s when you risk reaching the final trap – apathy.

 

Once apathy occurs, and you no longer feel ANY emotional connection to your partner, even a negative one, it can be hard to salvage a happy marriage. If your marriage does end in this phase, critically examine how you ignored the first 4 traps and ended up all the way in apathy before taking action. It can often take years to reach apathy, with several red flags along the way, so apathy can (and should) be avoided.

 

 

Don’t let your normal marital conflicts escalate and fester. To avoid divorce, pay attention to these traps and get to work as soon as you see the red flags start to wave.

-Courtney

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A Letter to the Mom of 2 in the Row Behind Me On the Flight to Orlando

I was traveling for business. On a flight to Orlando. Surrounded by children on their way to the vacation of their dreams. Sitting in the middle seat.

 

That right there should tell you everything you need to know about my mindset. Then I heard you, in the row right behind me, ask your children if they needed more Dramamine. “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” I thought to myself. “Wouldn’t THAT just make this flight more enjoyable! A little puke on a Monday afternoon.”

 

I tried to tune your family (and every other family) out as I thought about the client waiting for me in Orlando. I wrapped my scarf around my shoulders and tried to relax.

 

But listening to you talk to your children, I was instantly snapped out of my bubble. I heard what you said to them, how you addressed them, and I need to tell you something:

 

You are an amazing mother.

 

You entertained their questions. All the questions. And we know kids have a lot. You kept the flow of conversation going and never seemed to get exhausted or annoyed. You engaged them back and forth, asking them to think deeper about questions like whether or not airplanes can go to the moon. You answered honestly when they didn’t know, and told them how to look things up. You even answered questions they didn’t ask, like when you reminded them: “Pack up your iPads right now, while we’re landing. Double check, because if you leave them here, we aren’t likely to get them back.” Your son expressed surprise that he wouldn’t get his iPad back if he lost it. Sometimes the things we think are obvious need more context for kids, and you knew that.

 

But you didn’t coddle them. You gave them options that set them up for success, but then let them choose, like when you told your youngest “Yes, you CAN carry Froggy if you want, but if you do that you’ll have to put him on the floor of the bathroom. Do you really want to do that?”

 

You are raising strong, resilient kids who will know they can rely on their mother, but won’t always need to. But I’m not writing this to praise you for raising great kids.

 

I’m just writing to tell you good job.

 

We live in a world of judgement – we judge people we know and people we don’t. We judge ourselves worst of all. Maybe this letter will make its way to you in a moment when you feel like a bad mom. Maybe you’ll be in need of an independent bathroom visit on a 20-questions kind of day. Maybe you’ll have just gotten the lice notice sent home. Maybe you’ll have just snapped and you’re judging yourself hard core.

 

But you can do this. You are a great mom. And I just thought you should know.

 

Courtney Clark, Seat 8B

 

 

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The One Thing To Tell Yourself To Handle Rejection and Move On

Learn how to use the tricky mental mindset of “minimization” to get your brain back on track after the sting of rejection. Whether in the workplace or in your personal life, rejection doesn’t have to signal a great loss, if you put it in the right perspective.

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3 Surprising Reasons Being Passive Aggressive Makes You MORE Stressed

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing!”

 

Ahhh, the classic passive aggressive response. We don’t like it when it’s done to us, yet sometimes we resort to some good old passive aggression because it seems easier than telling the truth or getting into an uncomfortable conversation.

 

Being passive aggressive may feel like an easy way out when you’re just too stressed (or miffed) to talk, but it has several negative consequences. One main reason to avoid passive aggressive behavior is that people often know that’s what you’re doing, and they resent it. No one likes to be treated passive aggressively by their spouse, partner, colleague, or boss. But besides being frustrating for others, passive aggressiveness can also cause some unintended stress for you.

 

 

  • Your frustration will find another outlet to escape. Research into “venting” shows that frustration which never has a release will eventually bubble over. Your passive aggressiveness may spare you a fight on a particular day, but it’s likely to come back to haunt you somewhere you least expect it.

 

  • Passive aggressiveness diminishes your power. “Self-efficacy” is the name given to our belief in our ability to exert some amount of control over a situation. When you combine denial and refusal to confront an issue head-on (which is what passive aggression really is), you give up some of your personal power. Do that enough times, and it takes a real toll on your self-efficacy and your belief in yourself.

 

  • Denial is like growth hormone for your problems. When you respond to a situation with passive aggressiveness, you let the problem linger. The longer a problem lingers, the more it has time to grow and build up in your mind. (Haven’t you ever had one side of an angry conversation to yourself in the shower, getting more and more pissed?) Passive aggressiveness gives you and your frustrations time to fester and get bigger in your head than they really are.

 

 

Whether at home or at work, passive aggressive behavior has more risks than rewards. Being passive aggressive doesn’t just frustrate those around you, it actually makes you much more stressed out than you have to be. Own up to what’s really bothering you, in a constructive way, and you’ll be doing yourself and everyone around you a big favor.

 

How do you respond when you really want to be passive aggressive, but know you shouldn’t be? What works for you to keep that instinct at bay?

 

-Courtney

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How to Help Children Cope with the Stress of Divorce

Divorcing parents have to address head-on the powerlessness and fear of change children feel. To help your children cope with the stress of divorce in a healthy way, here are a few things to try that will help them feel in control.

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My Husband Said This ONE Thing, and it Ended 90% of the Fights In Our Marriage

My husband, who is usually a very composed guy, lost his cool with me not too long ago. My Netflix-viewing of Friends right before bed must have been particularly loud that evening, and we were up later than usual because of a dinner out with friends. He was tired, he was ready to go to bed, and the laugh-track had gone off one too many times when he snapped.

 

“I’ve told you I hate it when you watch TV at night!” he lamented. “I’m trying to calm down, and it’s so loud. Now I’ll never fall asleep!”

 

You’ve probably experienced some similar moments of stress in your marriage. “Why do you have to CHEW like that?!?!” “Why can you NEVER seem to find the laundry hamper?!?!” “I don’t KNOW where your keys are, but we’re LATE!!!”

 

We’ve heard over and over that there’s a thin line between love and hate, and scientists have actually proven that to be true: the neural firing in your brain is almost identical when you feel both loving and loathing. So it should come as no surprise that our spouse is also the person who can annoy us most in the world.

 

But losing your cool at your partner can lead to a bigger fight, and enough fights over time erode the foundation of a marriage. So how can you avoid losing your cool in your marriage? My husband was about to show me.

 

The argument over my Netflix-watching went on: he complained that we had agreed on no TV in the bedroom, but watching Netflix on my computer was effectively the same thing. Why couldn’t I just wear headphones if I insisted on watching TV? We argued back and forth for several minutes before agreeing we were too tired to think rationally, and decided to call a truce and go to bed.

 

As we sat down to breakfast in the morning, he turned to me. “I’m sorry I got so upset last night,” he began. “I realized that just because I was irritable doesn’t mean you were being irritating.”

 

Wow. “Just because I was irritable doesn’t mean you were being irritating.”

 

Think about how much power those words could have in your marriage. It’s so easy to get annoyed or irritated with the person you spend most of your time with. Life is stressful! It’s full of challenge and frustrations, and the path of least resistance is to turn to the person next to you and take it out on them. But that’s neither fair nor healthy, nor does it bode well for a relationship.

 

The next time you want to snap at your spouse, remember that you being irritable doesn’t make them irritating. Stop and ask yourself if this is an argument that could actually resolve something, or if you are just feeling stressed and annoyed. Less arguing will make you both less irritable, and that’s good for 100% of marriages.

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Here’s EXACTLY How to Ask for Help When You Need It

Asking for help can be uncomfortable and humbling, but sometimes it’s necessary. Since I’m visiting MD Anderson Cancer Center this week for my one-year follow-up scans, it got me thinking about the best techniques to ask for (and get) the help we need when times are tough. Here’s EXACTLY what to say when you need to ask for help.

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Say These 4 Things to Build Resilience in Your Marriage

Saying certain things to your spouse can start a fight, or they can fix hurt feelings. Here are 4 important things to say that build a strong marriage and increase your emotional resilience as a couple.

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The #1 Reason Closure Is a Lie

I noticed a whole bunch of social media posts over the past few weeks with a similar theme: “Goodbye, 2015. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Every year I hear a similar tune – the future is bound to be better than this.

 

I’m someone who loves a good symbolic fresh start, so I appreciate the hopefulness the new year can bring, but I’m wary of the “closure” some people automatically feel when a new calendar page is turned over. We all want closure in order to feel better about past hurts, so of course people will seek it anywhere they can find it. Think about a failed romantic relationship – rejection is a hurt that can cause lasting damage, so we all want to get over the pain as quickly as possible. But if this “closure” works, how do you find it and triumph over those lingering hurts?

 

I’ve heard people say that closure is a lie before, and there are a few reasons they give for saying so. First, many people think the mere act of seeking closure shows you aren’t mentally ready for closure. In fact, that’s one reason…

 

Reason #3. Closure sometimes is a hidden excuse to stay in a cycle of “why?”

When we aren’t ready to let go but circumstances are forcing us to do so anyway, we say that we’re stuck in limbo until we “get some closure.” Once I interviewed for a job I thought I was a shoo-in for. I had all the relevant experience, I thought I had a great first interview, but they never called. They never even emailed to say “no, thank you.” For two weeks I waited for a response – even an email saying “we went with a candidate who had more experience than you in area X” would have sufficed. I passed up two other interviews, thinking that they weren’t as good as this other potential job I wasn’t even getting called about. Waiting until closure is just a justification to stay put.

 

Reason #2. Closure is a lie because no one else can give you closure.

Thinking back to the romantic relationship example, we often seek closure in situations when someone else has done us wrong, hurt us, or let us down. We want to understand the reason, the downward spiral we didn’t see coming. We even tell ourselves we want to look back and see what we did wrong so we don’t make the same mistakes again. Yet two things are true: First, you don’t need the other person to accomplish that kind of evaluation. You can do it yourself, without involving them. Which brings me to the second truth: that the other person may not know the real reasons why, either! Often people don’t truly understand their own motivations, so they’ll make up something that sounds about right, but it may just leave you with more questions. You often can’t get closure entirely from someone else.

 

But the #1 reason closure is a lie is that closure isn’t a state.

The mental image that “closure” conjures up is shutting a door behind you, right? So you’ve moved from one place to another, and now you are standing on the other side with your past on the other side of that closed door? But closure isn’t a place or a state. It’s an action. You can’t “reach closure” or “get closure,” because it’s not a noun. It’s a verb.

 

When we say we’re “seeking closure” in order to “move on,” we’re actually doing the opposite: we’re trying to move backwards. We’re trying to get back to the way things used to be. The search for closure is a stalling tactic to stay in this familiar place for a little longer.

 

What closure entails is a journey. And, like all journeys, it’s unknown and rocky and you don’t know who’s going to be there with you. That’s the bad part. But the good part is that, like all journeys, you get to pick the path.

 

-Courtney

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The 3 People You Need When Times are Tough

When we talk about people who are strong and resilient to adversity, what often comes to mind is someone who possesses inner toughness. We picture someone who can single-handedly conquer anything the world throws at him.

 

But when it comes to surviving tough times, “single-handedly” is exactly the wrong way to do it. Resilience, it turns out, is a team sport. Research on coping suggests that some of the most successful techniques include leaning on other people.

 

When we manage our challenges by surrounding ourselves with others, we reap several benefits: the guidance and feedback of others, caring support, and perspective. Look for three kinds of people who can support you, to provide each of these three benefits.

 

When you need guidance and feedback, get support from someone in the know. If it’s a personal issue, maybe turn to a professional therapist. If it’s a professional issue, find a trusted mentor in the workplace. These people can offer suggestions for managing whatever struggle you are facing.

 

Sometimes we just need a person to say “I understand. I’m here for you.” That’s when you turn to friends and family for caring support. Finally, it can really help to get perspective on an issue. For that, turn to someone who has walked in your shoes, or who currently IS in your shoes. When you lean on one another, you find the perspective to realize you aren’t the only one struggling.

 

Resilience is a team sport, not a solitary activity. When you lean on others in a tough time, you get three main benefits that help you bounce back. Find your tribe, your support network, and lean on them. It doesn’t make you weak, it actually helps you deal with the situation faster. And that’s what real strength looks like!

 

-Courtney

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