Relationships

Is Your Best Friend Bad For You?

I just got back from a business trip where I tacked on an extra day and a half to see a dear friend from childhood and her growing family. My friend and I have one of those relationships where it always seems easy. We just slide right back into hangout mode no matter how long we’ve been apart.

 

It’s common knowledge that friendship is good for you: people with friends live longer and are healthier. In fact, close friendships may make you more likely to live longer than exercise! (That’s news that calls for an extra slice of chocolate cake at girls’ night out, right?)

 

But not all friendship is healthy or helpful. For your social connections to really be good for you, pay close attention to who you’re spending time with.

 

Do You Like Your Averages?

 

Jim Rohn, a business expert, said “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” This idea is sort of like the firnedship version of “you are what you eat.” The more time we spend with the people closest to us, the more our ideas and behaviors influence one another. Whatever outcome we’re desiring  – happiness, success, peace, you name it – we’re more likely to get it if we’re spending time with people who have what we seek.

 

In more tangible terms, one study showed that weight gain was practically “contagious” among friends. People often gain weight when their closest friends do. This is because behaviors become normalized in groups, so make sure the behavior that gets normalized and repeated in your groups is behavior you want to make your habit.

 

Cancel That B%#&@ Session

 

There’s one common behavior among that makes you miserable: Venting.

 

It’s natural to use friends as a sounding board and support system. But venting, which is complaining with no plan to take action or get an issue resolved, is actually unhealthy. Experts say venting allows you to release just enough frustration that you stay stuck in place and never make any headway against your problem.

 

Hanging out with negative people can also make you feel more negative. Humans are naturally empathetic, so when we hear other people talk about being miserable, our brains start to mimic those emotions, even if we don’t have a concrete reason to feel badly. Chronic complainers and people who vent can leave you feeling frustrated, anxious, and blue. And you might not even know why!

 


 

Connections with people are critical. But WHO those people are and how they behave may be more important to your mental health than you knew. Visiting my friend this week left me feeling loved and content! But if you have a friendship that drags you down, it’s okay to cut the cord for your own well being.

 

 

3 Signs Your Family Fighting is Out of Control

Family conflict is normal. It can even be healthy! But if you and your family are fighting all the time, it might be out of control. These three warning signs will help you recognize family conflict that’s become an unhealthy pattern, so you and your loved ones can get back on track.

 

Why Is My Family So Lazy?

 

I get it – your family just drives you crazy sometimes. They’re lazy. Or they’re too loud. Or they’re forgetful. Whatever issue is annoying you, it’s tempting to take that complaint and turn it into a character flaw.

 

The trouble with calling out our loved ones’ character flaws is that we personalize the conflict. When we tell someone that we’re frustrated because they’re ALWAYS lazy, or ALWAYS whatever-it-is, we make the conflict worse. Research from my book, The Successful Struggle, shows that when we make a conflict personal, we escalate the conflict to higher level, making both sides dig in their heels and feel less inclined to meet in the middle and find resolution.

 

Additionally, parents may want to be especially careful about labeling behaviors as character flaws, because children can easily internalize those statements and come to believe that they’re “bad” people, or that they’ll never overcome those traits.

 

Everyone Is Lying To Me!

 

Lying can become a way for children and adults to deflect conflict.  Now, lying can also be a developmentally appropriate (if totally infuriating) thing for a child to do. But if your children don’t outgrow the typical lying phase, or lying seems to become a multi-generational habit in your house, look deeper for an underlying cause.

 

If everyone in your family lies to avoid a fight, one reason could be that the adults are handling conflict in a volatile and scary way. When that happens, everyone else tip-toes around in order to keep from making Mom, Dad, or whoever else angry. If lying seems to be a big problem in your house, make sure you aren’t overreacting to issues, causing your family members to lie to avoid your anger.

 

Apologize… or Else

 

Children should always be respectful of their parents. But when it comes to family conflict, it’s important to find the right balance between respect and resolution.

 

It’s not always appropriate for children to shoulder all the blame for a conflict. But in many families, the idea of “respecting your elders,” can mean that children are required to apologize, yet never receive an apology in return. If you lost your cool, it’s important to own your part of the fight and apologize. Watching you gracefully acknowledge your frustration and ask forgiveness is role modeling for your children, and will make them better at handling conflict in their future.

 

The end goal of family arguments should be true resolution, not just a child’s forced apology. Putting the burden on your child to apologize to end an argument can be a sign that you’re unclear on how to resolve a fight in a healthy way that hopefully ensures the same issue doesn’t crop up again.

 


 

It’s time to end the homework battle and dinner table fighting for good. Recognize these three signs and get your family conflict under control so everyone can be happy and healthy (and you stop pulling your hair out!)

 

 

 

How to Fight With Your Spouse Without Dropping the “D-Word”

This marriage can’t be saved. It’s over.

 

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking that in the middle of a fight, you’re not alone. Marital arguments are frustrating and uncomfortable, because the person we expect to be our biggest ally in the world, suddenly becomes our adversary.

 

And that’s the problem. When you start seeing your partner as your enemy, you’ve entered a dangerous element of conflict known as detachment. When we detach from someone else in the middle of a conflict, we see the two sides are “my side” and “their side.” We have a hard time acknowledging any common ground or common desires.

 

As you start to detach, you find yourself getting your emotional needs fulfilled everywhere but your marriage. Or you may find yourself “stonewalling,” where you freeze the other person out. John Gottman, Ph.D, who coined the phrase, says that stonewalling breeds resentment in both members of the couple.

 

Once you’ve detached from your partner, it’s easier to fight dirty. They’re not a real person to you anymore, in a sense, because your anger makes you blind to the human being (whom you hopefully love!) standing in front of you. They’re just the enemy. And the enemy must give in or be destroyed.  And once you’ve detached from your marriage, it’s MUCH easier to throw out phrases designed to kill. Phrases like “I want a divorce.”

 

Dropping the d-word is so much more than just a dirty fighting tactic. Threatening divorce is a signal to your partner – and to yourself – that you don’t’ trust the relationship enough to assume that it can weather the storm. You’re indicating that you’d rather just save yourself the fight because there’s nothing worth salvaging.

 

Now, don’t think I’m advocating that you can never bring up divorce in a marriage. Sometimes – and I’ve been there – two incompatible people have to start the process of considering divorce. But that needs to be a very well-though out, well-prepared conversation. Not a bomb dropped in the middle of a fight for shock value or to hurt your partner.

 

Threatening divorce is a signal to your partner – and to yourself – that you don’t’ trust the relationship enough to assume that it can weather the storm.

 

Using “I want a divorce” in a typical marital argument is the ultimate sign that you’ve allowed yourself to breed an unhealthy detachment from your spouse. If you realize you’ve detached, you can fix it.

 

For starters, find common ground in your argument. Try to go back to the root of the issue and find some kind of common ground. Common ground has been proven by scientists to help people in conflict avoid detachment and depersonalization.

 

There is almost always something you both want in common, even if that thing is “to stop fighting.” Maybe you both want financial security, but you disagree on the details. Or you both want a relaxing vacation, you just disagree about whether his mother should be there. Many arguments start as task-related arguments – a disagreement about how something should be accomplished. But when the disagreement goes unsolved for too long, it turns personal, and that’s when detachment happens.

 

“Divorce” is a dirty word in a marriage. There are far more productive ways to fight besides dropping the d-word bomb, so don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Instead, stay attached to your partner, find common ground, and fight healthy. It’s worth it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surviving Your Teenager’s First Breakup

Rejection is hard, and that first rejection for a teenager can be devastating. Here’s a guide for parents on the healthiest ways to help your teenager get over a breakup.

3 Mental Mantras for Dealing with Divorce

If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to regain your footing, these three mantras can help. Tell yourself these three short, memorable phrases to find emotional stability and hope for the future.

How to Enjoy Being Single at the Holidays

The holiday season doesn’t seem like a time built for a single person – the typical winter scene is a picture of large families gathered together enjoying snowball fights and sing alongs. Dating website eHarmony says that almost half of singles dread being alone at the holidays. So if you’re flying solo this holiday season, how do you keep from feeling a little sad?

 

Surround Yourself with “Framily”

This recommendation has become more common in recent years, with Friendsgiving becoming a November tradition in its own right. Some friends are as close as family, and there’s no reason why you can’t join them for a group celebration, or even ask to add yourself to their family festivities. If you have close friends who will be nearby for Christmas, be brave and ask “Your holiday always sounds so warm and fun. Is there any chance you’d be willing to invite an extra to dinner? I’m a whiz at doing dishes!” It feels momentarily uncomfortable to ask, and you certainly wouldn’t want to ask your cube-mate whose last name you barely know, but a dear friend might love to have you join the fun.

 

Get A Little Crazy

There’s probably something on your bucket list that just seems too wacky to contemplate. But if you’ve been toying with the idea of painting a mural in your dining room, or choreographing a belly dance routine, or picking up the ukulele, why not start on Christmas? Single people often get advice to do something nice for themselves on holidays, but skip the spa day and take it one step farther. Do something that will leave a lasting impression on your life (and maybe your dining room walls.)

 

 

Get Busy Giving

Research in my book The Giving Prescription shows that there’s no better way to cope with our own struggles than by helping someone else. (click here if you know someone who needs the book!) By volunteering at the holidays, you’ll not only feel filled with the Christmas spirit, but you’ll be giving yourself an incredible boost of perspective. Giving back to others helps us feel better because it shows us that no matter how far off track we feel, or how “low” we are, we have the power to life someone else up. That power – and seeing someone else smile – can’t help but make you feel some holiday magic.

 

Don’t Buy Into The Perfect Picture

A smart woman once told me, “Never compare your insides to somebody else’s outsides.” Everyone else’s life looks shiny and happy when we hear about it or see it on social media, and never more so than at the holidays! But you don’t know the true story behind those pictures – some families go deeply into debt to finance Santa’s visit. Other families have been fighting since Election Day. If you assume that everyone else is having a picture-perfect holiday, you’ll make yourself miserable. Instead, recognize that everyone is having a totally human holiday, just like you are. And in your case, no one is nagging at you for drinking the last of the Cabernet!

 


 

Being single at the holidays can mean extra time for reflection, for giving, and for doing things that are meaningful to you. In other words, what the season should be about! Don’t dwell on what you don’t have this holiday season; instead, realize you have everything you need to have a joyful celebration.

Wishing you a happy holidays.

Three Ways To Stop Fighting With Your Teenager

The parent-teen relationship is a great breeding ground for conflict, but these 3 techniques will help you diffuse the anger. Learn how to respond to your teen in a way that reduces fighting and encourages a healthy relationship. If your teenager makes you want to pull your hair out, these 3 super-quick steps will be a lifesaver.

Save Your Breath: Why Debating Is a Waste of Time

I got a pretty good (if embarrassing) lesson in confirmation bias this week.

 

I received an email from a client I’m working with. The email asked me to send him information for an upcoming presentation I’m giving to his group, but exactly what information he wanted wasn’t clear from his brief email. I emailed back, asking for clarification.

 

He responded with what he wanted, and added, “Sorry I wasn’t more clear, things have been so busy here today. I haven’t been communication (sic) clearly.”

 

I chuckled under my breath at the irony of his misspelling “communicate” in an email about how his stress has caused his communication levels to suffer, and sent him the information he requested. A few short minutes later, I received this response:

 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I needed. You’re perfect!”

 

You’re perfect! I wanted to jump for joy. I hadn’t even delivered a keynote to this client yet, and he already thought I was perfect! I love it when my clients know they’ve made the right decision in hiring me to present at their events!

 

A few minutes later, reality set in. The man had TOLD me he was busy, stressed, and not communicating well (then he made a typo to prove it)! I understood that he DIDN’T mean the other things he had hastily written, yet I still assumed he DID mean “you’re perfect,” and took that compliment to heart (well, okay, it went straight to my head).

 

Science tells us this happens because we hear what we want to hear. We look for proof that validates our thoughts and beliefs, and we discount anything that suggests otherwise. This error in thinking is called “confirmation bias,” and we humans practice it all. the. time. We’re wired to cling to information that proves what we already believe is right, and we ignore and reject information to the contrary. I’m not a big sports fan, but if you are, one of my favorite articles on confirmation bias uses basketball statistics to show how all of us, even elite athletes, get duped by confirmation bias.

 

Confirmation bias can make us feel smart and secure. But it has a big downside. It leaves us extraordinarily prone to argue unproductively with others. We KNOW our beliefs are logical, rational, and – above all – correct, therefore we should be able to educate others. But everyone else brings THEIR confirmation biases to the table, too. And that’s where things get tricky. Recent research from the University of Iowa shows that people’s minds weren’t changed by strong information rebutting their beliefs, NOR were they changed by experiencing consequences of their beliefs (in the U of Iowa study, the consequence was losing money).

 

Once someone is committed to their beliefs, confirmation bias makes it nearly impossible to change minds. We find only the proof we’re looking for, just like my brain sought out “You’re perfect!” and discarded all the other information that indicated my client meant “I’m typing quickly and not paying attention to what I’m saying and I meant to say, ‘THAT’S perfect.” Confirmation bias is like a brick wall standing between two people in conflict, trying to communicate.

 

This has been a season of arguing. I applaud everyone who stands up for their beliefs, and I am even MORE in awe of those who allow themselves to engage, learn, and possibly even have their minds changed by conversation. But with much of our conversations today being held in virtual forums like social media, the likelihood of mind-changing seems low. Save your precious energy for your loved ones, keep your conflicts productive, and try to find honest-to-goodness connection in as many places as you can.

How to Support a Friend with Breast Cancer

When a friend is diagnosed with breast cancer, there are lots of pink gifts you could buy them (particularly during October!). But that’s not the most important thing you can do. Here are some do’s and don’t’s from a fellow cancer survivor on how to best support a friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

11 Things a Happy Person Doesn’t Keep Around the House

Our lives are full: of activities, of stuff, of stress. Some people are trying to change their lives with cleaning up magic, while others are happily buried under a pile of memories. Whichever your preference – clear or cluttered – there are several things that truly happy people never leave laying around.

 

Stuff that Gets in Your Way

This is the easiest category to tackle. These objects are nothing more than time- and space-consuming clutter that take your focus away from what’s really important.

 

1.  Broken items that haven’t been fixed in more than a year. If you haven’t needed it to work in 12 months, you don’t need it. Donate it!

2.  Spam emails. Sign up for a program like unroll.me and spend less time hitting delete.

 

Stuff that Screams “The Old You”

Memories are great, but often we keep things that aren’t even tied to happy memories out of a sense of obligation. Clearing these things out gives you the mental energy you need to move forward instead of backward.

 

3.  Tools from a hobby you no longer practice. Donate the old musical instruments, hand weights, or complicated kitchen gadgets. It’s okay to say “that wasn’t a great fit for me” and move on.

4.  Old love letters. Keep the letters from your true love, of course. But toss the reminders of that college breakout that went back-and-forth for six months. The memories aren’t good, and do you really want your grandchildren finding them, someday?

5.  Clothes that no longer fit. It doesn’t matter whether they’re too big or too small – keeping old clothing can be a self-sabotaging way of communicating that you’re not comfortable in your own skin.

6.  Friendships that no longer fit. This is a tough one, but sometimes friendships serve a purpose and then don’t “work” anymore. You can value someone deeply without keeping them in your day-to-day life.

 

Stuff that Silently Judges

These possessions can serve as an unkind reminder of our perceived shortcomings and the things we dislike most about ourselves.

 

7.  Bills. Enough said.

8.  Exercise equipment you don’t use. It sits there mocking you, doesn’t it? That’s why you throw your dirty clothes over it, so you don’t have to see it. Sell that sucker on Craigslist and use the money to buy a laundry hamper.

9.  Books you bought more than three years ago but never read. If you haven’t yet, are you really going to read it next year? Donate it and pick up a book you’ll really love. Life’s too short.

10.  Unfinished projects. Just as with the books, sometimes we start a project thinking it will be fulfilling, but it isn’t. Say goodbye to the glue gun.

11.  Rejection notices. If you were turned away for a job, a promotion, a school, or that manuscript you slaved over, you don’t need to keep the reminder to torture yourself. Shred it and try again. Studies show that rejection overwhelmingly results in a better end product, so put yourself back out there instead of ruminating on the rejection letters.

 


 

Your life is full already – don’t clutter it up by keeping these belongings that don’t bring happiness. Get rid of these 11 things and make room for some happiness.