Meet the most authentic, honest model on the planet!
Dove Campaign for Real Beauty model Stacy Nadeau tells us all about the hardest day of her career, and the technique she used to move past it. (Spoiler alert: she didn’t do it alone!)
“Hey, girl. Gimme a smile.”
If you’ve ever been hollered at on the street (and if you’re a woman, it’s probably not really if, but when), you know how insulting it can feel when some stranger demands you flash a smile and fake happiness.
The real problem? It’s not just sexist strangers on the street.
We attempt to force happiness on ourselves and others all. the. time. Even when we mean well, we often discourage sadness in our friends and loved ones. “Don’t feel bad,” we say. “It’ll all be okay.” “It could be worse.” Or the ultimate punch in the gut: “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
Happiness is supposed to be a private emotion. But because of a focus on personal development in recent years, happiness has morphed from an internal journey to an external measure of how evolved and successful we are. We’ve somehow come to believe that if someone isn’t happy, there must be something wrong with them. They aren’t trying hard enough to find happiness, or they need to control their stress, or they’re choosing to be sad.
When we think like this, we turn happiness into a weapon. If people don’t meet our definition of happy, society begins to think of them as “weak.”
Why You Beat Yourself Up About Happiness
Weaponized happiness is a new epidemic, where everyone is expected to meet societal standards of joy or else be deemed not tough enough. Of course we all WANT to be happy. But it isn’t always quite so simple. Life can be stressful and difficult. And even if we aren’t in the middle of a crisis, life simply may not always be enjoyable. (And that’s not even accounting for clinical depression, where guilt over not being happy is likely to just make things far worse.)
Everyone else’s life looks shiny and perfect from the outside. Blame it on Instagrammers, but we’ve come to believe that if we aren’t running through a meadow with flowers in our hair and a blissful look on our faces, we must not be truly happy. Happiness doesn’t always look like a shiny blog post. When we judge our happiness but what other people’s lives appear to be, we’re measuring against an unreliable yardstick.
Why You Judge Others’ Happiness
Insisting that others be happy is a bad habit that comes from a good place. When you care about someone, you don’t want them to hurt. You want them to be happy. But when we attempt to shortcut their hurt or sadness, we’re not actually helping them find happiness any faster. In fact, studies show that ignoring feelings of sadness can actually keep you feeling sad for longer.
A life of blissful joy isn’t the best goal. People need a little struggle, a little effort, and a little sadness to appreciate the humanity of being alive. The people who have overcome THAT, and can still find happiness even after sadness, are the ones we should really be looking up to. So when a friend or family member is struggling, don’t judge their sadness. Don’t force them to be happy. Allow them their experience, and then help them move on when they can.
It’s time to stop measuring excellence in others based on how happy they seem. Happiness is not a weapon we use to beat up others. It’s a tool, and it must be a tool we use by ourselves, for ourselves alone.
I thought the fad would be over by now, but it looks like FOMO, the “fear of missing out” that’s gripped society via social media, is still going strong.
Oh, it’s not that I expected us to get over our natural human desire to have it all. We’ve always had it and we probably always will. But it’s so prevalent right now. Everywhere I turn people are talking about feeling that FOMO, that worry that everyone else is doing more, having more, and just being more than you.
But here’s the bottom line: “missing out” isn’t a big threat to your life happiness. You know what is a threat? Burning out. We should all have more FOBO: fear of burning out. Fear of getting so stressed that you just can’t take it anymore.
When it first became a “saying,” we all thought FOMO was a (mostly) positive emotion. If we don’t want to miss out, it spurs us to work harder, go out and spend more time with friends, and have great experiences. FOMO launched many a skydiver, entrepreneur, and Thursday-night whiskey-fueled country line dancer (for better or worse).
But there’s a downside we didn’t see: saying “yes” to everything is exhausting and impossible to sustain. FOMO leads to burnout.
Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Burnout?
We should be afraid of burning out. Burnout is characterized by unrelenting stress that leads to disengagement and a loss of excitement. Burnout is a feeling of hopelessness. So why don’t we have more FOBO? We know burnout is bad, but we often don’t take measures to prevent it. We work and work and wait until we’re just so stressed out, until we decide that something needs to change.
If we want to be happier, peaceful, and more resilient to stress, we need to trade our FOMO for FOBO. Burning out is a far bigger threat to our success than missing out on any one opportunity, no matter how good.
Why Burnout Limits Opportunity
When you burn out, you limit your ability to enjoy life. You feel a sense of detaching from your surrounds and the people in your life, even your closest loved ones. If you’re burned out, you’re also hard to get along with at home AND at work, because you’re more likely to be sarcastic and unkind without even realizing it.
Burnout also makes it hard to be successful, because it is often characterized by a sense of exhaustion. If that happens to you, you’ll notice you just start coasting at work, because you’re just too tired to care, even if you’ve been getting plenty of sleep. That’s not a way to get a promotion!
To Do: Ditch FOMO for FOBO
It’s time to let FOMO be a thing of the past. Too much FOMO leads to burnout. For a peaceful life, forget the FOMO and arm yourself with a stronger sense of FOBO.
The voice is coming out of my iPhone, tinny and electronic in the dark room.
“Breathe in and feel the hand on your abdomen rise,” the voice says. I breathe in and out, in time with his commands.
“Keep your eyes shut,” I will myself. “Just for another minute. It’s probably almost over. Keep your eyes shut.” I breathe in and out and try to get in rhythm with the tinny voice.
I’m not very good at meditating. I’d almost always rather be doing something else, like checking something off of my to do list or – like last night – just going straight to sleep after a long day. But I can’t ignore all of the research I’ve done that confirms how good meditation is for you, so I persist. I turn on my meditation app and try to focus my mind, even though my frustrated mind fights me every step of the way.
It made me wonder – how many times during the course of a single day do we think “I wish this was over already?” Here’s my personal list:
- When I’m working out in the morning
- Sitting in traffic on the way to a meeting
- Making sales calls to build my business
- Doing the dishes after dinner
- Arguing with my husband over whose turn it is to do the dishes after dinner 😉
- Waiting for my slowest dog to do her business already
- Meditating in the evening
What does yours look like? Arguing with a toddler over what they’re going to wear? Sitting in a daily staff meeting that sounds just like yesterday’s? Making dinner for someone who doesn’t appreciate it?
Time Traveling to the Future
Of course it’s natural to wish the boring or frustrating moments were finished and over with. But if we put our attention on the annoyance, we’re giving our mind permission to be miserable. Instead, studies show that the most successful people have something called a “future orientation.” Future orientation is an ability to focus on what’s coming and what’s possible, instead of current circumstances. It offers us an ability to be hopeful, instead of frustrated.
What does that look like? Well, for me it means thinking of how strong I’m going to be instead of how my quads burn right now. Or how much more peaceful I’ll feel once the dishes are done. Or how accomplished I’ll feel once I make a sale. Or how that meeting is going to move my business forward, once I get through the traffic.
We say to ourselves, “I wish this was over already.” But it will be over soon enough, and wishing won’t really make it happen any faster. Life will never be empty of daily frustrations and stress. But if we can shift our focus to future orientation instead of the annoyances of the present, it makes the struggle feel worth it.
Does seeing photos of Hurricane Harvey’s devastation have you feeling helpless?
There’s a reason why so many people are pitching in and volunteering to help. And it isn’t JUST because they want to be good samaritans. Giving back to other people is a great way to help all of us process trauma and feel less powerless. Even the smallest gesture helps us feel a little more in control during these traumatic times. Find something to do, and give back!
How do you say goodbye, grieve, and honor the memory of a loved one who passed away? I recently lost a loved one, and I got some great advice on two things you can do to help you heal. I’m doing these same things right now, too.
Family conflict is normal. It can even be healthy! But if you and your family are fighting all the time, it might be out of control. These three warning signs will help you recognize family conflict that’s become an unhealthy pattern, so you and your loved ones can get back on track.
Why Is My Family So Lazy?
I get it – your family just drives you crazy sometimes. They’re lazy. Or they’re too loud. Or they’re forgetful. Whatever issue is annoying you, it’s tempting to take that complaint and turn it into a character flaw.
The trouble with calling out our loved ones’ character flaws is that we personalize the conflict. When we tell someone that we’re frustrated because they’re ALWAYS lazy, or ALWAYS whatever-it-is, we make the conflict worse. Research from my book, The Successful Struggle, shows that when we make a conflict personal, we escalate the conflict to higher level, making both sides dig in their heels and feel less inclined to meet in the middle and find resolution.
Additionally, parents may want to be especially careful about labeling behaviors as character flaws, because children can easily internalize those statements and come to believe that they’re “bad” people, or that they’ll never overcome those traits.
Everyone Is Lying To Me!
Lying can become a way for children and adults to deflect conflict. Now, lying can also be a developmentally appropriate (if totally infuriating) thing for a child to do. But if your children don’t outgrow the typical lying phase, or lying seems to become a multi-generational habit in your house, look deeper for an underlying cause.
If everyone in your family lies to avoid a fight, one reason could be that the adults are handling conflict in a volatile and scary way. When that happens, everyone else tip-toes around in order to keep from making Mom, Dad, or whoever else angry. If lying seems to be a big problem in your house, make sure you aren’t overreacting to issues, causing your family members to lie to avoid your anger.
Apologize… or Else
Children should always be respectful of their parents. But when it comes to family conflict, it’s important to find the right balance between respect and resolution.
It’s not always appropriate for children to shoulder all the blame for a conflict. But in many families, the idea of “respecting your elders,” can mean that children are required to apologize, yet never receive an apology in return. If you lost your cool, it’s important to own your part of the fight and apologize. Watching you gracefully acknowledge your frustration and ask forgiveness is role modeling for your children, and will make them better at handling conflict in their future.
The end goal of family arguments should be true resolution, not just a child’s forced apology. Putting the burden on your child to apologize to end an argument can be a sign that you’re unclear on how to resolve a fight in a healthy way that hopefully ensures the same issue doesn’t crop up again.
It’s time to end the homework battle and dinner table fighting for good. Recognize these three signs and get your family conflict under control so everyone can be happy and healthy (and you stop pulling your hair out!)
Why do some people get burned out? It DOESN’T happen just because you are stressed out, overwhelmed, or too busy. Learn the secret ingredients (besides just being busy) that lead to burnout, before you put yourself at risk.
The process of change and growth is usually necessary, but it often feels uncomfortable. Learn from one huge commercial brand what they do to push through the pain in order to make progress, and why a little discomfort is good for you, too.
Work burnout is a scary thing – it takes dedicated, passionate employees and turns them into frustrated, detached time bombs. Burnout is a key component of employee turnover, and turnover has high costs both fiscally and for morale.
So it should go without saying that burnout is to be avoided at all costs. But do you always know when you’re at risk of burning out at work? Here’s a short test to help you find out…
1. How do you feel at the beginning of the workday?
a. tired
b. frazzled
c. raring to go
You probably guessed that “c” is a great answer to give. But if you think that option “b” is the prime indicator of burnout, you’re wrong. Feeling frazzled at work, especially at the beginning of the day, isn’t great news, but actual burnout results in a feeling of exhaustion before you even start. The reality is that you can be busy without being burned out. So just because you have a lot on your plate doesn’t automatically mean you’re at risk of burnout. It can lead to future burnout, so be careful. But don’t assume burnout just because you’re busy. It’s when you feel tired even when there’s a stack of work to be done that you’re at greatest risk. This element of burnout is called emotional exhaustion, and it’s one of the first indicators of burnout we might notice.
2. If you have to talk to your boss about something critical, what do you do to prepare?
a. I don’t bother preparing, because my boss trusts my judgement and will do what I recommend
b. I don’t bother preparing, because my boss isn’t likely to listen to my ideas anyway
c. I over-prepared, because my boss can be critical of my work
d. I bring a few supporting documents to back up my recommendation
This question is testing your depersonalization, another element of burnout. It might seem like “c” is the answer most common in burnout. But (like the question above) while “c” might be an indicator of a poor workplace culture, it’s actually not a burnout indicator. The burnout indicator is “b,” because it suggests that you don’t even need to try because whatever you say to your boss will be ignored. When a conflict or struggle goes on for so long that you have depersonalized the other person (see this prior blog post for more examples of risky workplace conflict), you’re at risk of burnout.
3. If you were invited to go to an Elementary School for career day, what would you say is the most worthwhile part of your job?
a. The paycheck
b. Helping people
c. Using my skills/smarts/strengths
No big surprise, here: the burnout indicator is “a.” Answer “a” suggests reduced personal accomplishment, the final burnout indicator. We can stand long hours, poor pay, silly uniforms, even rude customers, as long as we feel that the work we’re doing is worthwhile. For many years I worked in the nonprofit sector, where I often faced aaaaaallllll of the above indignities, but my job had purpose and that fueled my fire even when the days were long and the pay was piddling. If you lose the feeling of pride in your work, then the slightest struggle will cause you to lose your motivation and be at risk of burning out.
Want to know more about the burnout indicators? Check out this article in Workplace Psychology.
Burnout doesn’t just come from being too busy. You can absolutely be busy without burning out, so don’t fret just because you have a long to-do list. Pay attention to your emotional exhaustion, your feelings of engagement with your colleagues, and your sense of accomplishment and pride in your work. Those are the three factors that will let you know if you’re at risk of flaming out. Catch them fast, and don’t let burnout get to you!
