It IS possible to become a more optimistic person!
Start with two simple shifts-of-focus that will have you thinking “Courtney, I KNEW that, I was just forgetting to do it.” Then there’s ONE more little trap that most people fall into when it comes to thinking about optimism, and I’ll tell you how you can avoid it.
How do you tell your boss that you’re stressed, without seeming like you’re whining? The key lies in understanding the difference between problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping. Your boss cares more about the bottom line than about your stress, so use what your boss DOES care about to get your stress level and your workload under control.
Is it time to stop feeling sorry for yourself? When life is tough, self pity is totally normal. But it keeps you stuck. Here’s how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move from self-pity to a new mindset called “self-efficacy” in 15 minutes (or less!) It’s all about refocusing your perspective!
Here’s some bad news: you can actually be too “good” for your own good.
So many of the cultural behaviors we think are good – like always maintaining a positive attitude, or being a hard worker – aren’t always so good for us. These expectations we place on ourselves may in fact drain our strength and our mental energy, so that we aren’t able to be resilient when it really matters.
Here are 9 habits that get a bad rap, and why you should reconsider adding them back into your daily routine:
The world gives bonus points to happy people who don’t gripe, but sharing our struggles with the people around us can be beneficial. It helps us bond, and puts our problems in perspective. The key is to communicate your stress but not dwell TOO long on the problem before moving on to a solution, or else it turns into repetitive venting. In small doses and to the right people, complaining can help you feel supported, understood, and ready to move forward.
Thinking about the future is critical for surviving stressful times. Studies of children from difficult backgrounds showed that the children who succeeded despite the odds had something called a “future-orientation.” When you shift your focus toward the future and start making plans, your brain starts to make meaning out of your current struggle, and use it as fuel to get you where you want to go.
Some deadlines can’t be missed, but others are self-imposed out of some idea of what “successful people” do. In my own business, I often set an artificial timeline on when something “has” to be done, and then I beat myself up when I miss it. But I was busy doing things that were truly more important to my business. It’s 100% okay, and even smart, to move deadlines that don’t make sense anymore.
I like to think of myself as a nice, helpful person. I hate saying no. As a result, I’ve often spent my days completely overcommitted and overwhelmed. Then a smart friend passed on this bit of advice: “Every yes is a no to something else.” When you say no to something just to be nice, or because you think you should, you’re taking up time for a future activity or opportunity that would be more meaningful to you.
When your stress level is high, it might seem like goofing off is the last thing you should do. But when you’re under extreme stress, your brain floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol, sending you into a biological panic mode. While you’re under the influence of adrenaline and cortisol, you aren’t capable of getting high-level work done, because your prehistoric survival brain has taken over. Take time to not just clear your head, but release the adrenaline and cortisol from your body. By goofing off and doing something enjoyable, like laughing at an internet video, you move your brain out of stress mode and into high-performance mode.
There’s a common belief that tough people survive traumatic events with grace and poise, never wavering or having a moment’s doubt. I know from experience that’s a lie. Every one of us who struggles, even those who feel deeply that it will all be okay in the end, have moments where we just can’t stand the suffering. If we all suffer in silence – because we don’t want to appear pathetic or we don’t want to burden anyone else – then each one of us believes that WE are the only one who is weak. Instead, be honest about your fears and doubts. You’re sure to find that you’re in good company.
A lot of the narrative about “good people” includes the belief that good people spend their time and resources on other people. A “good mom” is there for her kids 24 hours a day. A “good employee” works late and on weekends. A “good husband”, a “good friend”, a “good boss”… most of these designations involve some form of selflessness. But being 100% selfless is physically and emotionally draining, and is completely unsustainable over the long term. If being “good” means giving everything you have to others, you’re likely to snap at some point. Prioritizing your own needs can actually be a kindness to other people in your life, because it allows you to do good work, behave with patience, and enjoy the world around you.
As humans, we want to avoid the sting of rejection. Whether we don’t get the promotion we were hoping for, or we get dumped by a love interest, rejection is a fact of life. One of the best strategies for coping with a feeling of rejection is to distract yourself. Focus on something else. In a study of sales people who struggle with fear of rejection on sales calls, even something as simple as snapping a rubber band on their wrist helped them distract their mind from the rejection. You may not want to get too distracted in everyday life (like commuting to work!), but if you’re feeling neglected or rejected, find somewhere else to channel your energy and focus, so you can keep moving forward.
One of the most common rules for success is “Find a Mentor.” Receiving advice from others, we’re told, is a great way to shorten the learning curve and avoid the mistakes that other people have made. There’s one problem with that plan, though: thanks to a common judgement error called the “Peak-End Rule,” most people don’t remember enough details of their path to success to give very good advice. Because of the limitations of human memory, a mentor or coach can give you some good ideas, but they can’t help you reverse-engineer your way to where you’re trying to go. If you take someone else’s advice and – likely – don’t get the same results, you may start to beat yourself up or think you’re a failure. Instead of taking any advice as gospel, gather suggestions from multiple places, and be your own best guide as you consider what will work for you.
Throw away the rulebook: these bad habits will help you build more resilience and find greater happiness. As with everything, these bad habits should be taken in moderation. But by resetting your expectation of what is “good,” you’ll find yourself doing a lot more things that are good FOR you.
Happy National Compliment Day!
Everyone loves a compliment, but some praise means more than others. Here’s how to craft the perfect compliment that will have ANYONE (your kids, your colleagues, even your UPS delivery driver) feeling inspired to be their best!
Being in charge has benefits. When you’re in charge, you can set the priorities. You can boss people around. You can do what you want.
We love being in control. Our brains are actually wired to equate an increase in control with a better outcome. We think that when we’re in charge, we’re more likely to get what we want. And if we’re not able to call the shots, we probably WON’T get the outcome we’re hoping for.
So when you’re not in control, then what? Should you just give up? Let it go and hope for the best?
That all sounds very zen and mature, but most of us aren’t really able to do that. We like that feeling of control too much. So what can we do to get what we want when we aren’t in control?
First, make sure you’re focusing on a problem that’s actually fixable. As Bill Burnett says in the book Designing Your Life, “If it’s not actionable, it’s not a problem. It’s a situation, a circumstance, a fact of life.”
When I was 26 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. For the first several days, I walked around in a fog. What should I do? Was I going to survive? Would I need surgery? Would I need chemo? How much was all of this going to cost? How was I going to tell my loved ones? Who would break the news to my baby sister, who adored me? On the third day, the fog lifted. I knew exactly what to do. I needed to find the best surgeon in the state.
I realized that my problem wasn’t that I had cancer. I mean, having cancer is problematic, for sure! But I didn’t have the ability to cure my cancer, so I couldn’t make that the problem I focused on. Instead, I made my problem “How do I survive cancer?” With that problem in my mind, I started my research. I found the best surgeon in the state, we agreed on a plan of action, and treated my cancer.
Do you see the difference between “I have cancer,” and “How do I survive cancer?” It may seem like a small difference, but by focusing on something actionable, I gave myself back control in a situation where I could have just felt sorry for myself without any power.
When you focus on something actionable, you’re doing something else – you’re taking a small step toward a goal. Have you ever heard the riddle “how do you eat an elephant?” One bite at a time! The only way to get overwhelming tasks done is to start small. When you aren’t in control, they only way you can start is by starting small, because you don’t have the power to do anything big.
That may sound frustrating, to only be able to take baby steps. But there’s a reason why it’s actually a really good idea. Doing something, doing anything, helps build up our sense of personal power. It’s a process called “self efficacy,” where we slowly build up a belief that we have the ability to play an active role in our destiny. By choosing a surgeon, I took control over something having to do with my cancer. I can’t control cancer, but I can control that tiny piece of it.
If you’re in a situation where you’re not in control, start by noticing the real, actionable problem you’re facing. What can you actually do something about? Not just what’s frustrating or annoying or scary. But what’s fixable?
After you’ve identified the problem you can actually influence, break it apart into small chunks. What’s the first small thing you can control? Accomplish that, and then the next small thing, until the path in front of you is clear.
It may be uncomfortable, but you should be in situations where you don’t have all the control. If you’re only ever playing in sandboxes where you’re the boss, then you’re playing too small. Get out of the tiny sandbox, head to the beach, and use these techniques to help you get what you’re going for, no matter what stands in your way.
The first holiday after you’ve lost a loved one is tough. How do you make it through a time of joy and family when you’re grieving? Here are 3 practical steps to navigating the holiday season after someone you love has died.
There’s nothing really wrong. Things are mostly going pretty well. So why can’t you just… be happy?
Seriously, it’s not that hard.
Except… it is. Just “being happy” turns out to be a lot more complicated than it sounds. For starters, some people’s brains just don’t naturally cooperate with society’s expectations of happiness, because of depression or anxiety. For other people, we anticipate we’ll be happy when we reach a certain goal, or have a certain experience, but it doesn’t happen automatically.
For a perfect example, just look at the holidays. This time of year, we’re expected to be happy. We should either be basking peacefully in the glow of the reason for the season, or bouncing joyfully between friends and parties and glitter-covered wrapping paper. But what we get instead is stress, overwhelm, and disappointment.
See, expectations of happiness often ruin actual happiness. If we feel like happiness is REQUIRED, or else we must be broken, we put so much pressure on ourselves that happiness becomes nearly impossible. Who can be happy on demand? Probably not you.
In fact, studies have shown that the things that make us ACTUALLY happy are pretty hard to predict. Happiness doesn’t always come from the things we think it comes from, because a greater sense of overall joy in life comes from feelings like “meaning” and “significance.” Happiness and meaning are similar, but different, according to research out of Stanford. If you’re looking for happiness that’s longer-lasting, go for meaning, not contentedness.
Just because it’s not so easy, that doesn’t mean you should give up on being happy. It just means you won’t find it in any of the presents under the Christmas tree. For a deeper, longer-lasting happy, try these strategies:
Don’t let happiness and the actions that bring true happiness end up buried at the bottom of your to do list in your busy life. Find what matters most and bring some meaning to your days.
We know having gratitude is supposed to be good for us, but sometimes it’s just not easy! Here’s why giving thanks can be hard, and what you can do to try and find some gratitude anyway.
“It’s cancer.”
“You’re fired.”
“I want a divorce.”
Some words cause your body to go numb. Your ears buzz. You start to float above yourself. In those moments, you’re experiencing so much stress, and your body is being flooded with so much adrenaline, it can be difficult to think straight.
As difficult as it may be, thinking straight is the #1 thing you can do to help yourself when you’re getting terrible news. It’s crucial, in those moments, to keep your wits about you, gather information, and maintain self-control.
So how do you stay calm when you’re in the middle of receiving terrible news?
It’s a tiny action, but taking a sip of water can be a great move when you receive shocking information. First, it gives you a mental break from the tough conversation. You may feel like you need a split second to close your eyes and process the information, and taking a sip of water gives you an excuse for breaking eye contact without looking “weak.” Taking a sip of water also gives you something to do with your hands, to keep them from jittering. Especially if the conversation is with someone like a boss, you want to appear composed and stoic. Having a glass of water as a prop can cover up your nerves.
It’s human nature, when getting bad news, for your thoughts to start spinning out of control. You can’t help but think about the future, and how this news will shape your life for months or years to come. Instead, keep your thoughts in the moment at hand. When you keep you mind focused, you’ll be better able to process what’s actually happening than if you allow your mind to wander to all the worst case scenarios. As this Forbes article remarks, it’s definitely best to avoid heading down the spiral of “what if…?” When you stay in the moment, you’ll be a better participant in the conversation, and you’ll remember the important information more accurately. Which dovetails perfectly with the next step…
When I found out I had cancer, there were so many questions I wished I had asked the doctor when I was right there in front of him. Because I was so flustered at the news, I sat there in shock instead of asking smart questions. I had to email my concerns to the nurse and wait several days for a response. If you get bad news, don’t hesitate to ask as many questions as you need, rather than assuming the worst. It also helps to take notes. Many times our adrenaline keeps us from recording good memories of these tough conversations, so taking notes will help you not only focus in the moment, but also give you something to jog your memory later.
We’ve been taught to believe we should think positive when we get bad news. But last week I had the honor of hearing Sheryl Sandberg, the author and Facebook executive, participate in a Q&A, and she had a different perspective. She recalled that a friend told her, after her husband Dave died, that “it could have been worse. Dave could have been driving the children when his heart gave out.” She realized that she could have lost her entire family in a single moment. By remembering that things could, in fact, be worse, we put our struggles in perspective.
Getting bad news makes us feel powerless. We can’t control the situation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do anything. Figure out the first action you can take to regain control, no matter how small. Through a psychological construct called “self efficacy,” taking even the smallest action helps you feel more competent and powerful. If you’ve been diagnosed with an illness, your fist step could be finding a specialist. If you’re faced with divorced, your first step could be protecting your financial information. If you’ve been let go from your job, it could be brushing up your resume. By doing what you can do, even if it doesn’t feel like much, you’re building your self efficacy for the moments ahead.
Getting bad news can feel like life as you know it is over. But if you keep calm, stay present, gather information, and put the situation in perspective, you’ll be able to move forward as quickly as possible.
