Divorcing parents have to address head-on the powerlessness and fear of change children feel. To help your children cope with the stress of divorce in a healthy way, here are a few things to try that will help them feel in control.
My husband, who is usually a very composed guy, lost his cool with me not too long ago. My Netflix-viewing of Friends right before bed must have been particularly loud that evening, and we were up later than usual because of a dinner out with friends. He was tired, he was ready to go to bed, and the laugh-track had gone off one too many times when he snapped.
“I’ve told you I hate it when you watch TV at night!” he lamented. “I’m trying to calm down, and it’s so loud. Now I’ll never fall asleep!”
You’ve probably experienced some similar moments of stress in your marriage. “Why do you have to CHEW like that?!?!” “Why can you NEVER seem to find the laundry hamper?!?!” “I don’t KNOW where your keys are, but we’re LATE!!!”
We’ve heard over and over that there’s a thin line between love and hate, and scientists have actually proven that to be true: the neural firing in your brain is almost identical when you feel both loving and loathing. So it should come as no surprise that our spouse is also the person who can annoy us most in the world.
But losing your cool at your partner can lead to a bigger fight, and enough fights over time erode the foundation of a marriage. So how can you avoid losing your cool in your marriage? My husband was about to show me.
The argument over my Netflix-watching went on: he complained that we had agreed on no TV in the bedroom, but watching Netflix on my computer was effectively the same thing. Why couldn’t I just wear headphones if I insisted on watching TV? We argued back and forth for several minutes before agreeing we were too tired to think rationally, and decided to call a truce and go to bed.
As we sat down to breakfast in the morning, he turned to me. “I’m sorry I got so upset last night,” he began. “I realized that just because I was irritable doesn’t mean you were being irritating.”
Wow. “Just because I was irritable doesn’t mean you were being irritating.”
Think about how much power those words could have in your marriage. It’s so easy to get annoyed or irritated with the person you spend most of your time with. Life is stressful! It’s full of challenge and frustrations, and the path of least resistance is to turn to the person next to you and take it out on them. But that’s neither fair nor healthy, nor does it bode well for a relationship.
The next time you want to snap at your spouse, remember that you being irritable doesn’t make them irritating. Stop and ask yourself if this is an argument that could actually resolve something, or if you are just feeling stressed and annoyed. Less arguing will make you both less irritable, and that’s good for 100% of marriages.
Raising resilient children requires a delicate recipe that might be tough for some parents to swallow, but it’s necessary in order to give kids the strength they need to persevere no matter what. Learn how to set your kids up to succeed despite their challenges with these three simple steps.
No one wins when a parent and teenager go head-to-head! But these conflict management techniques will help you fight smart when you have an argument with your teenager.
Research suggests that there are three steps moms can use to combat stress and chaos. Learn how to end panic mode and find a little peace.
There’s a reason “motherhood” and “stress” are two words often found in the same sentence: life as a mom is HARD!
I jumped right into parenting when my husband and I adopted a teenager, so I skipped over some of the chaotic childhood moments. But I found myself smack in the middle of others I wasn’t prepared for, like drivers’ ed classes, college applications, scholarship essays, filling out the FAFSA… you get the picture.
So how can moms manage it all without getting overwhelmed by the stress?
Have a “Top Three”
Particularly when your kids are little, just surviving (you AND them!) is hard enough. The quickest way to get overwhelmed and judge yourself is to set unachievable expectations. Pick 3, and only 3 things that are your priority. Maybe you’ll set 3 a day, maybe 3 a week – up to you. By selecting the three most important things, and admitting to yourself that the rest is negotiable, your stress will be better under control.
Go Social Media-Free
Maybe you tell yourself you use social media time as a way to distress and chill out – but beware. Glimpses of handmade Valentines on Pinterest are going to have you judging yourself. And that neighbor down the street just took her kids to the zoo during the last Monday holiday – don’t the kids look SO happy in the Facebook pictures?! Man, you should really do that for your kids… and so the guilt goes. Kicking your social media habit, even if for a short while like a single weekend, helps you break that spiral of comparing yourself to others.
Find Your Flow State
You know that moms need down time, too. You just don’t know how or where to find it! One simple solution is to find an activity that puts you in a state of “flow.” Flow state research shows that when you are participating in an activity that’s difficult but achievable, your brain is at its optimum state. Because we all have different skills and abilities, where we’ll find flow state is unique, but you might find it playing tennis, or knitting, or drawing… all things you can do with your children nearby!
Determine Whose Priority Is It, Anyway?
Everyone has advice for what moms “need” to do. Your spouse has ideas about how to raise the kids and run the house, your mom wants to add her two cents, your best friend can’t wait to share what’s working for her, and the moms in your moms group have read ALL the latest research. You can’t help but be overwhelmed with what you “should” be doing as a mom. But some opinions matter more than others, and you need to determine whose those are. Yours, for sure, should be at the top of the list, along with perhaps their father and the pediatrician. Now go back to tactic #1, and figure out what your “Top Three’ should be, and arrange your priority list accordingly. If it isn’t your priority, then don’t give it precious brain space!
Handling chaos requires a delicate balance of accomplishing some of the things on the to do list, while not getting frazzled by the belief that you must immediately accomplish ALL of the things on the to do list. By employing these 4 techniques, moms will find themselves checking off the “big” stuff, and not sweating the small stuff.
-Courtney
To grow into resilient adults, children don’t just need loving support. They also need parents who can guide them through how to NOT get what they want in life. These three techniques are critical in building resilient kids.
Quit flipping over tables when your loved ones stress you out! These three things are the worst things you can do when you’re facing conflict in your family, so learn what they are and how to stop.
According to research published in Scientific American Mind, sensitive kids who experienced this one thing tended to perform even better than resilient kids. Learn what it is, and how you can adapt this research to help with the sensitive adults in your life, too!
How YOU talk about and cope with failure plays a large role in how your kid succeeds at school. These techniques will have you rethinking failure in a productive way, and helping your child conquer failure and find success.
