Friendships and popularity are of critical important for kids, but its equally important to be able to stand up for what’s right. Here’s the ONE key thing you can say to raise a child with strong enough self-esteem to be unpopular.
Rejection is hard, and that first rejection for a teenager can be devastating. Here’s a guide for parents on the healthiest ways to help your teenager get over a breakup.
Failure is good for kids. So how do you raise a child who can fail and still be successful? You do it by building what scientists call “future-orientation.” Good parents teach their kids how to fail smart!
If you’re going through a divorce and struggling to regain your footing, these three mantras can help. Tell yourself these three short, memorable phrases to find emotional stability and hope for the future.
The holiday season doesn’t seem like a time built for a single person – the typical winter scene is a picture of large families gathered together enjoying snowball fights and sing alongs. Dating website eHarmony says that almost half of singles dread being alone at the holidays. So if you’re flying solo this holiday season, how do you keep from feeling a little sad?
Surround Yourself with “Framily”
This recommendation has become more common in recent years, with Friendsgiving becoming a November tradition in its own right. Some friends are as close as family, and there’s no reason why you can’t join them for a group celebration, or even ask to add yourself to their family festivities. If you have close friends who will be nearby for Christmas, be brave and ask “Your holiday always sounds so warm and fun. Is there any chance you’d be willing to invite an extra to dinner? I’m a whiz at doing dishes!” It feels momentarily uncomfortable to ask, and you certainly wouldn’t want to ask your cube-mate whose last name you barely know, but a dear friend might love to have you join the fun.
Get A Little Crazy
There’s probably something on your bucket list that just seems too wacky to contemplate. But if you’ve been toying with the idea of painting a mural in your dining room, or choreographing a belly dance routine, or picking up the ukulele, why not start on Christmas? Single people often get advice to do something nice for themselves on holidays, but skip the spa day and take it one step farther. Do something that will leave a lasting impression on your life (and maybe your dining room walls.)
Get Busy Giving
Research in my book The Giving Prescription shows that there’s no better way to cope with our own struggles than by helping someone else. (click here if you know someone who needs the book!) By volunteering at the holidays, you’ll not only feel filled with the Christmas spirit, but you’ll be giving yourself an incredible boost of perspective. Giving back to others helps us feel better because it shows us that no matter how far off track we feel, or how “low” we are, we have the power to life someone else up. That power – and seeing someone else smile – can’t help but make you feel some holiday magic.
Don’t Buy Into The Perfect Picture
A smart woman once told me, “Never compare your insides to somebody else’s outsides.” Everyone else’s life looks shiny and happy when we hear about it or see it on social media, and never more so than at the holidays! But you don’t know the true story behind those pictures – some families go deeply into debt to finance Santa’s visit. Other families have been fighting since Election Day. If you assume that everyone else is having a picture-perfect holiday, you’ll make yourself miserable. Instead, recognize that everyone is having a totally human holiday, just like you are. And in your case, no one is nagging at you for drinking the last of the Cabernet!
Being single at the holidays can mean extra time for reflection, for giving, and for doing things that are meaningful to you. In other words, what the season should be about! Don’t dwell on what you don’t have this holiday season; instead, realize you have everything you need to have a joyful celebration.
Wishing you a happy holidays.
The holiday season doesn’t make your stress disappear. When we tell ourselves that in December we HAVE to feel merry and joyful, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Here’s how to cope when December isn’t a magical time, and you need to overcome the myth of the joyful holiday season.
The parent-teen relationship is a great breeding ground for conflict, but these 3 techniques will help you diffuse the anger. Learn how to respond to your teen in a way that reduces fighting and encourages a healthy relationship. If your teenager makes you want to pull your hair out, these 3 super-quick steps will be a lifesaver.
Conflict in a marriage is inevitable; divorce is preventable. Why do some couples manage to fight and stay married (or even grow stronger as a result of the clash), while other marriages end? Strong couples recognize there are 5 major traps that marital fights can fall into, and they know how to sidestep those land mines.
Trap 1: Judgement
You know how in new relationships, everything is cute? Everything little quirk can be brushed aside and forgiven? At some point, that benefit of the doubt ends, and judgement can creep in. “Why did he DO that stupid thing?!?!” “Doesn’t she KNOW that I hate it when…”
This first trap is easy to avoid – all it requires is giving your partner the same benefit of the doubt that you would want. There’s a type of bias called “fundamental attribution error,” where we perceive that others’ actions are because of some personality trait or fault in themselves, but our own actions are situational and reasonable. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt all the time – for a strong marriage, it helps to do the same for your partner.
Trap 2: Antagonism
If you fall into the Judgement Trap for too long, you may find yourself smack dab in Trap 2: Antagonism. In this trap, you and your partner have been in conflict for so long that they start to feel like your enemy. Everything they do feels set up to annoy or hurt you.
To avoid this trap, take a hard look at your fighting style. Are you fighting to win? If so, turning your partner into the enemy is bound to happen. Healthy conflict occurs when both parties recognize they have the same goal (which you DO! A happy, healthy, working relationship!), but they just don’t always agree on how to get there. Block a significant amount of time with your partner to get on the same page about your end goals, and keep conversations productive by focusing on the HOW of “how are we going to achieve what we BOTH agree that we want to achieve?”
Trap 3: Depersonalization
If you’ve been in antagonistic conflict for too long, depersonalization is bound to occur. Depersonalization is actually a critical requirement for war – soldiers are trained to depersonalize the enemy in order to kill them. Conflict research suggests that the same depersonalization happens in interpersonal conflict, and when it occurs it takes antagonism up a notch further.
If you and your partner have depersonalized one another, it will be tough to climb out of this trap without professional help. This is an ideal time to seek out a therapist who can help you see your partner as a feeling, thinking human again, and can serve as almost a translator, helping each side understand the other.
Trap 4: Contempt
Some studies show that marriages truly go off the rails when the partners reach contempt for one another. Others suggest contempt is a key indicator of divorce. Contempt can often be a power play – an outward display of disgust.
As with depersonalization, contempt likely requires a professional’s unbiased help, because the ugly behaviors that can go along with contempt usually have broken the trust between partners. Without that trust repaired, and in the absence of empathy, it will be hard for a couple to go back to a place of security and love.
Trap 5: Apathy
If you’ve lived in contempt long enough, you might grow numb. That’s when you risk reaching the final trap – apathy.
Once apathy occurs, and you no longer feel ANY emotional connection to your partner, even a negative one, it can be hard to salvage a happy marriage. If your marriage does end in this phase, critically examine how you ignored the first 4 traps and ended up all the way in apathy before taking action. It can often take years to reach apathy, with several red flags along the way, so apathy can (and should) be avoided.
Don’t let your normal marital conflicts escalate and fester. To avoid divorce, pay attention to these traps and get to work as soon as you see the red flags start to wave.
-Courtney
I was traveling for business. On a flight to Orlando. Surrounded by children on their way to the vacation of their dreams. Sitting in the middle seat.
That right there should tell you everything you need to know about my mindset. Then I heard you, in the row right behind me, ask your children if they needed more Dramamine. “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” I thought to myself. “Wouldn’t THAT just make this flight more enjoyable! A little puke on a Monday afternoon.”
I tried to tune your family (and every other family) out as I thought about the client waiting for me in Orlando. I wrapped my scarf around my shoulders and tried to relax.
But listening to you talk to your children, I was instantly snapped out of my bubble. I heard what you said to them, how you addressed them, and I need to tell you something:
You are an amazing mother.
You entertained their questions. All the questions. And we know kids have a lot. You kept the flow of conversation going and never seemed to get exhausted or annoyed. You engaged them back and forth, asking them to think deeper about questions like whether or not airplanes can go to the moon. You answered honestly when they didn’t know, and told them how to look things up. You even answered questions they didn’t ask, like when you reminded them: “Pack up your iPads right now, while we’re landing. Double check, because if you leave them here, we aren’t likely to get them back.” Your son expressed surprise that he wouldn’t get his iPad back if he lost it. Sometimes the things we think are obvious need more context for kids, and you knew that.
But you didn’t coddle them. You gave them options that set them up for success, but then let them choose, like when you told your youngest “Yes, you CAN carry Froggy if you want, but if you do that you’ll have to put him on the floor of the bathroom. Do you really want to do that?”
You are raising strong, resilient kids who will know they can rely on their mother, but won’t always need to. But I’m not writing this to praise you for raising great kids.
I’m just writing to tell you good job.
We live in a world of judgement – we judge people we know and people we don’t. We judge ourselves worst of all. Maybe this letter will make its way to you in a moment when you feel like a bad mom. Maybe you’ll be in need of an independent bathroom visit on a 20-questions kind of day. Maybe you’ll have just gotten the lice notice sent home. Maybe you’ll have just snapped and you’re judging yourself hard core.
But you can do this. You are a great mom. And I just thought you should know.
Courtney Clark, Seat 8B
Bullying in schools is a critical concern that can affect learning, self-esteem, and the physical safety of children. There’s no way to *guarantee* your child won’t be a target, but if you build up a child’s personal power using these two techniques, your child will have what they need to handle potential bullies all year long.
