Stress

Forget FOMO. Here’s What You Should REALLY Be Afraid Of.

I thought the fad would be over by now, but it looks like FOMO, the “fear of missing out” that’s gripped society via social media, is still going strong.

Oh, it’s not that I expected us to get over our natural human desire to have it all. We’ve always had it and we probably always will. But it’s so prevalent right now. Everywhere I turn people are talking about feeling that FOMO, that worry that everyone else is doing more, having more, and just being more than you.

But here’s the bottom line: “missing out” isn’t a big threat to your life happiness. You know what is a threat? Burning out. We should all have more FOBO: fear of burning out. Fear of getting so stressed that you just can’t take it anymore.

When it first became a “saying,” we all thought FOMO was a (mostly) positive emotion. If we don’t want to miss out, it spurs us to work harder, go out and spend more time with friends, and have great experiences. FOMO launched many a skydiver, entrepreneur, and Thursday-night whiskey-fueled country line dancer (for better or worse).

But there’s a downside we didn’t see: saying “yes” to everything is exhausting and impossible to sustain. FOMO leads to burnout.

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Burnout?

We should be afraid of burning out. Burnout is characterized by unrelenting stress that leads to disengagement and a loss of excitement. Burnout is a feeling of hopelessness. So why don’t we have more FOBO? We know burnout is bad, but we often don’t take measures to prevent it. We work and work and wait until we’re just so stressed out, until we decide that something needs to change.

If we want to be happier, peaceful, and more resilient to stress, we need to trade our FOMO for FOBO. Burning out is a far bigger threat to our success than missing out on any one opportunity, no matter how good.

Why Burnout Limits Opportunity

When you burn out, you limit your ability to enjoy life. You feel a sense of detaching from your surrounds and the people in your life, even your closest loved ones. If you’re burned out, you’re also hard to get along with at home AND at work, because you’re more likely to be sarcastic and unkind without even realizing it.

Burnout also makes it hard to be successful, because it is often characterized by a sense of exhaustion. If that happens to you, you’ll notice you just start coasting at work, because you’re just too tired to care, even if you’ve been getting plenty of sleep. That’s not a way to get a promotion!

To Do: Ditch FOMO for FOBO

It’s time to let FOMO be a thing of the past. Too much FOMO leads to burnout. For a peaceful life, forget the FOMO and arm yourself with a stronger sense of FOBO.

in Coping / Happiness / Personal / Stress / Success / Workplace by admin 03 Oct 201703 Oct 2017 0 comments

This Technique is The Key To Surviving Everyday Frustration

The voice is coming out of my iPhone, tinny and electronic in the dark room.

“Breathe in and feel the hand on your abdomen rise,” the voice says. I breathe in and out, in time with his commands.

“Keep your eyes shut,” I will myself. “Just for another minute. It’s probably almost over. Keep your eyes shut.” I breathe in and out and try to get in rhythm with the tinny voice.

I’m not very good at meditating. I’d almost always rather be doing something else, like checking something off of my to do list or – like last night – just going straight to sleep after a long day. But I can’t ignore all of the research I’ve done that confirms how good meditation is for you, so I persist. I turn on my meditation app and try to focus my mind, even though my frustrated mind fights me every step of the way.

It made me wonder – how many times during the course of a single day do we think “I wish this was over already?” Here’s my personal list:

When I’m working out in the morning
Sitting in traffic on the way to a meeting
Making sales calls to build my business
Doing the dishes after dinner
Arguing with my husband over whose turn it is to do the dishes after dinner 😉
Waiting for my slowest dog to do her business already
Meditating in the evening

What does yours look like? Arguing with a toddler over what they’re going to wear? Sitting in a daily staff meeting that sounds just like yesterday’s? Making dinner for someone who doesn’t appreciate it?

Time Traveling to the Future

Of course it’s natural to wish the boring or frustrating moments were finished and over with. But if we put our attention on the annoyance, we’re giving our mind permission to be miserable. Instead, studies show that the most successful people have something called a “future orientation.” Future orientation is an ability to focus on what’s coming and what’s possible, instead of current circumstances. It offers us an ability to be hopeful, instead of frustrated.

What does that look like? Well, for me it means thinking of how strong I’m going to be instead of how my quads burn right now. Or how much more peaceful I’ll feel once the dishes are done. Or how accomplished I’ll feel once I make a sale. Or how that meeting is going to move my business forward, once I get through the traffic.

We say to ourselves, “I wish this was over already.” But it will be over soon enough, and wishing won’t really make it happen any faster. Life will never be empty of daily frustrations and stress. But if we can shift our focus to future orientation instead of the annoyances of the present, it makes the struggle feel worth it.

in Coping / Happiness / Personal / Stress / Success / Workplace by admin 07 Sep 2017 0 comments

Are You Too Busy To Be Great?

You’ve seen the cultural obsession with being busy: people who greet one another with “How are you?” “Sooooooo busy!” Or texts that read “Sorry I never got back to you, I’ve been slammed.” We equate busy with being important, so we flaunt our busy-ness like a badge of honor.

But all that busy could be getting in the way of something truly important.

When we’re so overwhelmed, we may be missing opportunities for excellence. It’s difficult to do our best work when we’re stressed out and busy. If you want to be truly great – at your job, parenting, being a friend, your hobbies, anything – it pays to be less busy and more focused. Here’s why…

This Is Your Brain On Stress

When you get stressed out, your brain floods your body with stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Those hormones are great if you’re in battle or fleeing from a predator, but they aren’t so great if you’re just sitting at your desk.

With adrenaline and cortisol flooding through your system, you aren’t very good at higher-order decision making or critical thinking. Unless your career is prehistoric hunter, you probably need higher-order decision-making and critical thinking at your job. When you are busy and stressed, you aren’t capable of making smart decisions, or doing very good work. You may think “I’ll just push through and get this project done, so then I’ll be less stressed.” But if you do a mediocre job, that’s not great for your future career prospects, is it? To be at your smartest and best, get the stress under control.

Are You Even Aiming?

My friend Ruben knew a lot about getting what he wanted in life. Diagnosed with cancer in college, the doctors tried every known cure but couldn’t make his tumor go away. When I met him, he had lived with his cancer for 8 years. With the threat of cancer hanging over his head all that time, he didn’t have your typical 50 item list of priorities he wanted to accomplish in life. He only wanted one thing: to fall in love and get married. Spoiler alert: he did it!

Truly great people aren’t just busy. They’re focused.

Ruben knew something smart: you only hit what you’re aiming for. So often in life, we spend our time, energy and focus on little things, then we’re frustrated when we don’t get the big things we claim we truly desired. But we weren’t working toward them! You can’t aim at 45 different targets at the same time. Do you know what you’re aiming for? Is it what you really want? Or are you spending your precious time on busy work?

Spend time thinking about what motivates you in the “big buckets” of your life: your family, career, etc. If you find yourself overwhelmed and frustrated by a massive To Do List, do what I do! I threw out my regular list and created something for myself called “The Time Targeter,” where I can organize my To Dos based on what’s really important, not just urgent. The Time Targeter helps me fit more into my day without feeling more stressed.

Click here if you’d like a blank copy of the Time Targeter and a free guide to get started using it.

Whatever you do, don’t forget to aim in the right direction.

We may equate busy-ness with importance, but truly great people aren’t just busy. They’re focused. They spend their energy where it matters most. When you’re scattered, stressed, and filled with adrenaline and cortisol, you’ll never reach your full potential. To join the ranks of the truly great, don’t just do more. Do more of what matters.

in Leadership / Stress / Success / Workplace by admin 23 Aug 2017 1 comments

The Success Factor You’re Forgetting

What does it take to be successful? You’re probably forgetting this one critical thing – down time. Here’s what successful people know about how to take a break and still achieve a great life.

It’s time to fix the culture of busy-ness and no time for breaks!

in Happiness / Leadership / Stress / Success / Video / Workplace by admin 19 Jul 2017 1 comments

Being Busy Doesn’t Cause Burnout. But THIS Does.

Why do some people get burned out? It DOESN’T happen just because you are stressed out, overwhelmed, or too busy. Learn the secret ingredients (besides just being busy) that lead to burnout, before you put yourself at risk.

in Coping / Stress / Success / Video / Workplace by admin 29 Jun 2017 0 comments

Are You About to be Burned Out at Work? This 3-Question Burnout Test Will Tell You

Work burnout is a scary thing – it takes dedicated, passionate employees and turns them into frustrated, detached time bombs. Burnout is a key component of employee turnover, and turnover has high costs both fiscally and for morale.

So it should go without saying that burnout is to be avoided at all costs. But do you always know when you’re at risk of burning out at work? Here’s a short test to help you find out…

1. How do you feel at the beginning of the workday?

a. tired

b. frazzled

c. raring to go

You probably guessed that “c” is a great answer to give. But if you think that option “b” is the prime indicator of burnout, you’re wrong. Feeling frazzled at work, especially at the beginning of the day, isn’t great news, but actual burnout results in a feeling of exhaustion before you even start. The reality is that you can be busy without being burned out. So just because you have a lot on your plate doesn’t automatically mean you’re at risk of burnout. It can lead to future burnout, so be careful. But don’t assume burnout just because you’re busy. It’s when you feel tired even when there’s a stack of work to be done that you’re at greatest risk. This element of burnout is called emotional exhaustion, and it’s one of the first indicators of burnout we might notice.

2. If you have to talk to your boss about something critical, what do you do to prepare?

a. I don’t bother preparing, because my boss trusts my judgement and will do what I recommend

b. I don’t bother preparing, because my boss isn’t likely to listen to my ideas anyway

c. I over-prepared, because my boss can be critical of my work

d. I bring a few supporting documents to back up my recommendation

This question is testing your depersonalization, another element of burnout. It might seem like “c” is the answer most common in burnout. But (like the question above) while “c” might be an indicator of a poor workplace culture, it’s actually not a burnout indicator. The burnout indicator is “b,” because it suggests that you don’t even need to try because whatever you say to your boss will be ignored. When a conflict or struggle goes on for so long that you have depersonalized the other person (see this prior blog post for more examples of risky workplace conflict), you’re at risk of burnout.

3. If you were invited to go to an Elementary School for career day, what would you say is the most worthwhile part of your job?

a. The paycheck

b. Helping people

c. Using my skills/smarts/strengths

No big surprise, here: the burnout indicator is “a.” Answer “a” suggests reduced personal accomplishment, the final burnout indicator. We can stand long hours, poor pay, silly uniforms, even rude customers, as long as we feel that the work we’re doing is worthwhile. For many years I worked in the nonprofit sector, where I often faced aaaaaallllll of the above indignities, but my job had purpose and that fueled my fire even when the days were long and the pay was piddling. If you lose the feeling of pride in your work, then the slightest struggle will cause you to lose your motivation and be at risk of burning out.

Want to know more about the burnout indicators? Check out this article in Workplace Psychology.

Burnout doesn’t just come from being too busy. You can absolutely be busy without burning out, so don’t fret just because you have a long to-do list. Pay attention to your emotional exhaustion, your feelings of engagement with your colleagues, and your sense of accomplishment and pride in your work. Those are the three factors that will let you know if you’re at risk of flaming out. Catch them fast, and don’t let burnout get to you!

in Coping / Leadership / Stress / Success / Workplace by admin 08 Jun 2017 0 comments

THIS is What Mom REALLY Wants For Mother’s Day

Ask a mom what she wants for Mother’s Day, and you’re likely to get one of two answers: either she wants a fun family experience, or she wants some relaxing time by herself. Either a family fun day, or a spa day.

Those two answers seem opposite of one another: one mom wants quiet time, and the other wants quality time. One wants to be alone, the other wants to be with her spouse and kids. But the two answers aren’t really that different, if you look deeper. Both types of moms are asking for one thing: more meaning out of life.

When we all run around with the stressors of modern life hanging over our heads, we leave very little time to add meaning. Sure, we can find it in small moments, like reading bedtime stories, or once-a-month volunteer time. But in the rush of day-to-day living, stress often wins out over meaning in the battle of where we put our focus, time and attention.

The two polar opposite responses – one wanting more family time, one wanting more alone time – are in fact solutions to the same problem of not having enough meaningful moments in life.

I recently surveyed my readers, and I asked them the fill-in-the-blanks question “what would make your life easier or more enjoyable?” The top two answers were “relaxation/down time” and “time with friends and family.” (The #3 answer was along the lines of “fewer details/simplification”, just showing how much stress interferes with our life enjoyment.)

A Mom who wants quality family time doesn’t want just more hours with her family. She likely spends 18+ hours a day thinking about her spouse and kids! (even more during Science Fair season, right?) It’s not about more time, it’s about doing enjoyable things with that time. It’s about non-stressful time, where she doesn’t have to make anyone’s lunch or mediate a fight or use a plastic spoon to dig the last little chunk of stain stick out of the tube. It’s about building a meaningful memory, without stress getting in the way.

And a mom who wants quiet alone time doesn’t just want to be solitary. She is looking for space to hear herself think. She wants to hear the little voice in her head that reminds her of who she is outside of being a wife, mom, employee, daughter, sister, volunteer, boss, whatever. It’s about slowing down and remembering what’s really important to her.

When we let the stress and busy-ness of everyday life become our standard operating procedure, we don’t have a life with very much meaning. When life is one endless responsibility after the other, we don’t have a life with very much meaning. When peaceful, unstructured time (either by ourselves or with loved ones) is the best gift we can think of, we don’t have a life with very much meaning. What mom really wants for Mother’s Day this year is a little more meaning in her life. Can you find a bow big enough for that?

in Family / Happiness / Personal / Stress by admin 04 May 2017 0 comments

How To Build Mental Resilience in 5 Minutes With a Brain Game

Creating a strong, resilient personality seems like something you might either be born with, or else you could take a lifetime trying to build it. But it’s not true: the strategies you can use to increase your resilience don’t have to be tedious or difficult.

Want proof? Check out this article in the Harvard Business Review by Jane McGonigal, a game designer who used gaming theories to bounce back after her traumatic brain injury. McGonigal noticed that it didn’t take much time or effort at all to take baby steps toward recovering her resilience. In fact, some of the smallest things she did had the biggest impact, like little mental counting games and other things that would usually be considered “time wasters.” Her findings back up what I experienced when I was recovering from my brain surgery: when I was laid up in bed for several weeks, I didn’t have the stamina to read (my favorite restful activity!) and my eyes weren’t even up to watching television. But I played round after round of solitaire, even when my neurons seemed to take five times as long as usual to notice the next move.

Jane and her twin sister went on to create the gaming app SuperBetter, specifically designed to help you build up your resilience and notice your already-resilient responses in everyday life. The most important payoff of these gaming activities? The McGonigal sisters say it’s a 3-to-1 positive-to-negative emotion ratio. For every negative emotion you experience in your everyday life, having three positive emotions helps your brain stay capable and your spirit stay resilient.

So what can you do in your life to keep a healthy 3-to-1 ratio? Will it be checking out fluffy animals on YouTube like the McGonigals? (if so, my personal favorite is The Dodo. You MUST check out the rescued baby goat who is only happy when she’s wearing costumes). Will it be solitaire, like me? I’m also a huge proponent of volunteering as a way of keeping a positive perspective. Research for my first book, The Giving Prescription, showed that helping someone else pays you back 5 huge benefits:

An increased sense of purpose
Deeper personal connections
Greater sense of personal power or ability
A measurable increase in endorphins dubbed “The Helper’s High”
Tangible payoffs like networking

Playing games may be great for your health after all. If you find yourself struggling to stay afloat, set aside 5 minutes to do something enjoyable, whatever that means to you. Try to focus on keeping a 3-to-1 positive ratio, and insert a little play in your life, and you may just find yourself better able to bounce back from life’s challenges faster.

Now that’s better than just winning a game!

in Personal / Stress / Success by admin 18 Apr 201717 Apr 2017 0 comments

How Men’s Brains Experience Stress (and Why the Difference Matters)

Everyone gets stressed out, but it turns out that when men get stressed, their brains make less of a particular hormone that helps keep us calm. Learn why men and women experience stress differently, and what men can do to beat their particular brand of stress.

in Coping / Stress / Success / Video by admin 13 Apr 2017 0 comments

5 Warning Signs of Burnout Syndrome

If the alarm goes off and you just can’t face another day, you might be a victim of burnout syndrome. While burnout is not an official medical diagnosis and has no scientifically agreed-upon definition, burnout is understood as a feeling of exhaustion and dissatisfaction with life circumstances, whether at work or at home.

Most of us know what it feels like to have too much to do and not enough time to do it in. When we’re at our best, we can handle juggling everyday life stressors. (Need a little help? My free To-Do List Makeover will help you feel less frazzled!) But if you’re suffering from burnout syndrome, it’s more than just regular stress. You’ll likely feel several of these symptoms:

Tired

Feeling exhausted even if you’ve gotten plenty of sleep is a common sign of burnout. When you are burned out, you often feel a significant decrease in your energy level, which can lead to feeling much more tired than normal.

Sick

The stress that leads to burnout syndrome can take a toll on your immune system and cause you to be prone to headaches and upset stomach. An ER doctor once told me Sunday evenings were the busiest ER times because people under severe work stress are prone to chest pains, heartburn, or gastric conditions thinking about the work week ahead.

Detached

If you are normally highly engaged at work, but find yourself unwilling to get deeply involved in conversations and problem-solving, that’s a sign of burnout. Burned-out people pull away from their family and colleagues and they also use a technique called “depersonalization” to pull away when they’re in conflict with others. (Check out this article if you want a scientific take on burnout).

Numb

Not feeling your usual levels of happiness? Or even your usual levels of sadness? By the time you reach burnout, your emotions have likely been in such overdrive that it’s common to feel numb. You may think it’s great you don’t get angry so easily, but you also won’t feel joy or peace as easily, either.

Poor Performance

Burned-out people aren’t great employees, partners, parents, or friends. Because of the other 4 factors above, you’ve lost your motivation to participate and achieve. You might be forced to admit to your burnout after a surprising performance review, or a counseling request from your spouse.

There is no single agreed-upon method for treating burnout. One of the first things you can do is manage stress levels. To get less stressed, ask yourself:

Am I paying attention to the difference between important and urgent?

If you don’t already know about the Eisenhower Matrix, check it out!

Am I doing the activities that are most important to reach my personal goals?

Download my free To-Do List Makeover to fit more into your life without being more stressed

Am I burned out for a reason, and can I change my circumstance?

Many of the above signs can also be symptoms of depression, so if you implement new coping strategies or change your circumstances and STILL notice these signs, it’s a good idea to have a conversation with a health care provider in order to get to the bottom of it.

You can come back from burnout, so don’t let it ruin your career or your life. If you catch these 5 signs of burnout, you can manage your stress, change your circumstances, and get back on track.

in Coping / Personal / Stress / Success / Workplace by admin 06 Apr 201706 Apr 2017 0 comments

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